So you are graduating this year. After all the hat-flinging and celebrations are over it will be time to find a job. Your first job hunt as a qualified professional can be a daunting and confusing experience. Your parents can be of little help. After all, when they were your age they had a reasonably good expectation of being able to:
a) find a job
b) buy a house
c) not have to make debt repayments forever
Luckily, we at Education Grant are here to help you navigate this exciting time in your life by translating for you what a typical job advert really means.
The following is taken from a real advert for a graduate to fulfill a typical entry-level vacancy. Translations are provided in brackets:
‘This is a unique (hellish) opportunity to join an experienced team of industry professionals (prisoners), nurturing a business (the boss’ cash cow) towards market-leading stature (pointless arbitrary goals).
This role is ideal for a talented (dejected), results-oriented (depressed) graduates eager (desperate) to develop their portfolio (do tasks they have no interest in), skill set (relevant to this and no other industry), and to have their voice heard (and promptly ignored).
A brilliant skill set is the least we would expect of a successful applicant (we have a thousand applications a day). From production (unreasonable working hours), to technical and marketing (cynical manipulation), this position requires an adaptable (spineless) and independent mindset (as long as you independently do what you are told).
SEO (Search Engine Oppression), Social Networking awareness (ability to shamelessly spam all your friends) an advantage, as is experience in the working world (7th circle of hell).
We are hiring a committed graduate to integrate into our team (bend to our groupthink). We expect imagination (absolutely no imagination), precision (when pressing the buttons on the coffee machine), and, above all, a whatever it takes work ethic (ability to work all the time)’