The Stoner’s 5 Step Plan to University Success

on April 2, 2012

We all know that Stoners are lazy, wisecracking nerds who, while amusing, never amount to anything. Or are they?

They can whip up a phat L-plate in a matter of seconds, evaluate our music taste with devastating scorn and toke mammoth amounts of pungent green that would land most of us in a coma. But can they pass their finals?

They speak through mystical clouds, listen to Madlib or Tool and spend their evenings in communion over the bubble and rush of the bong. Let’s face it, it’s not an image synonymous with high achievement.

But the rosta of student stoners made good include, Steve Jobs, Barack Obama, Bill Gates, Woody Harrelson, Steven King, Bill Maher and lets not forget – every super successful musician ever.

So they must be doing something right. What can we learn from them?

Chill Out Man

We’ve all heard of the ‘shower moment’ where elusive solutions explode across our brains just as we are soaping up in the shower. Or when we get into a deep bath. Archimedes should know. He invented the word ‘Eureka’ and that’s been used in, like, hundreds of products and TV shows. Apparently, Wikipedia says that he realized something about measuring irregular objects too. Stoners know how to relax and take time out. Too much work, anxiety and stress can affect the hormonal balance causing a decline in mental performance. Relax and get ready for that game-changing idea to strike.

Talk Around your Subject

Stoners don’t just talk about one subject – as the room gradually fills with smoke – the conversation drifts through politics, zombies and Game of Thrones. Having a wide range of ideas at your disposal is essential for understanding the world and communicating effectively.

Simplify, Simplify, Simplify

Stoners eschew complex social life. They prefer a friend, a colorful throw and the latest Thievery Corporation album in the background. They keep things simple. When that drama blows up between your best friend and their ex or that sexy hardbody dumps you, what happens? Major distraction. Learning goes down the toilet. By keeping things simple and cutting down on a wide social circle you can put more mental energy into your studies.

Cut Down on the Booze

Alcohol and weed is not a good mix. It can often land a good stoner with a ‘whitey’ where the blood pressure drops, they loose colour and fall asleep. So they tend to stay away from booze. Hangovers seriously impair your ability to absorb information. Whereas there is evidence to contrary with cannabis use. Stoners don’t get hangovers. Neither should you.

Take up a Hobby

Stoners are ardent hobbyists. They can be found writing rhymes or cutting beats for their mediocre hip hop group, hunting through thrift shops, painting, watching documentaries, reading anything Alan Moore ever wrote – the list goes on. Having a hobby increases happiness, self esteem and personal growth. It could one day prove to be a useful money earner after you leave college and realize your humanities degree is worth sweet F.A . Luckily,  your knowledge of thrift shops will buy all your furniture at half price.  And the wordsmith skills you honed in your Hip Hop days can be put to use writing obscure blogs that…. no-one reads… for a pittance…


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