College is probably the first time you have been thrown into a completely new environment where no-one knows you. It is the perfect time to shake off the fetters of your homelife and claustrophic school groups who never let you forget that time you wore a (gasp) fake Tommy Hilfiger jumper. Now is the time to reinvent yourself. But I say you should go one better. Most people get a new haircut or take up a new hobby. It’s a futile exercise that is like trying to hide your enormous insecurity behind a particularly waiflike pot-plant. It’s not going to work for long buddy! What you need is a drastic overhaul – a proper change. Here are some top ideas.
Become a Ninja
Upside: This is one for you power-hungry introverts out there. Never mind your have a personality type that makes you 6x more likely to go crazy and shoot people, you are the special ones. The joy of being a Ninja is that you mainly get to work at night, in secret so you have a whole superhero thing going on. You also get to wear very cool clothes and get throwing stars.
Downside: To be a proper ninja you have to be employed, well, owned really by a Shogun and what the Shogun wants the Shogun gets I’m afraid. So beware that you may be asked to perform a few killings that you may not agree with.
Become a Snake Charmer
Upside: It’s a great money earner. Who doesn’t love to see snakes twirling about to weird music from the Asian Subcontinent? It would give you a religious reason to never have to worry about shaving and getting a haircut as the traditional garb of the snake charmer is long matted hair and a beard
Downside: Probably won’t get you laid very much if you’re a boy. Girls are not know for their love of deadly snakes. Risk of death by poisonous bite is an further consideration to take on board when thinking about this route.
Become a Drug Dealer
Upside: You make a lot of money and get invited to all the cool parties. You will make lots of friends. You get to drive a pimped-out motor un-ironically.
Downside: Friends will only like you because you’re a dealer, risk of bigger harder dealers taking your stuff, risk of expulsion and imprisonment. When considering this option you will have to live by the code expounded by DeNiro’s character in Heat “don’t have anything in your life you cannot leave in 15 minutes”.