A spokesman for Harvard University, Claude Longflapper, has announced to the world’s media the launch of a new school which opens this weekend. HarvardUniveristy- who have not introduced a new school since they were founded by Jesus during his trip to America to found Mormonism in the first century AD – have caused quite a stir with this bold new move.
“This amount of posts and pages devoted to advising Freshman on their first year of college is so huge now we felt compelled to open up a new department” said Longflapper.
So what is this new department? “The School of Giving Advice to Freshman” is run by Prof. Paul Poopypants who is an expert in giving advice to freshman having spent the last 200 years in a cave waiting for the internet to be invented so he could recycle other people’s ideas in the blogosphere.
“You only have to do the most minor Google search around this time of year to be inundated with articles, blog posts and books giving advice to new students”, says Poopypants. “It is of paramount importance to the nation and the world that freshman all be given lots of advice because the fact is, without advice, most of them will become addicted to Heroin. There might not be any scientific evidence for it but it is a fact all the same.”
This reporter put these claims to the test and found over 657 million pages purporting to give advice to students. The articles themselves all seem to carry exactly the same advice including topics such as ‘don’t spend to much’, ‘welcome change’, ‘get on with your roommate’, and ‘be open to new experience’. There was also no scientific evidence that poor advice leads to Heroin addiction.
“The bit where we tell freshman to be open to new experiences is most important because it fulfills our philosophy of being as vague as possible.” Poopypants went on to say. “We also need to make sure the blogosphere is properly supplied with writers who are devoid of all thought. At the moment any journalist seems to be able to tap out a half-arsed article about what new students should and shouldn’t do. Our school hopes to make sure their important work continues. We want to make sure the same advice is recycled every year, after all, originality is the hobgoblin of blogging”. Professor Poopypants eyes twinkle behind thick glasses and he laughs like a flushing toilet.
The department also plans to run the first annual Conference for Giving Advice to Students. The editors of the student sections of every single newspaper ever are set to attend and so is every single student blogger not in their first year.
“This important work must continue in case we have to come up with something original to write and that hurts our think-holes” says Piers Morganface, editor of Huffington Post’s Student Blog. “I fully support Professor Poopypants and I even hear Noam Chomsky is going to be there”. We contacted Professor Chomsky who gave the following comment: “I do not plan to attend the conference because I am not a douche”. Well, indeed.